Scars and Cold Showers
by irish4merican
Summary: James (Bucky) and Natalia (Black Widow) discuss recovery from the past in the early morning. BuckyxNat


A/N: I wrote this by mixing the canon of comics and the movies. Nat calls Bucky "James" in the comics, so this is what his name is in the fic. This is my first story! Please critique so I can improve!

* * *

James woke with a start, dripping with sweat, and gasping for breath. Whatever nightmare that caused him to wake quickly dissipated into the air as he sat up and shook his head. He looked to his left and saw that Natalia was still sleeping soundly on her stomach with a slight smirk on her face. He watched her sleeping for a few moments, enjoying the look of peace on her face. Then he looked at the digital clock and saw it was almost five in the morning. He sighed through his nose, got out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

After getting undressed James stared at himself in the mirror. He had black bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. His long hair was extremely messy. His ribcage was badly bruised from a recent mission. He eyed the scars around the area where his left arm was attached to his shoulder. He remembered the pain from the burns that caused the scarring and flinched from the vivid memory. Then he walked over to the shower and got in, not worrying about the temperature.

James always took cold showers and hated warm ones immensely. He didn't know if it was a side effect of being cryogenically frozen for decades at a time, spending time in the Russian winter, or if it was just something he always preferred. In any case he started every morning out this way.

As he was struggling to get the rat's nest out of his hair, Natalia walked into the bathroom.

"Good morning! Mind if I join you?"

"Uh, sure. I didn't wake you up did I?"

"Of course not. You're much too quiet for that."

Natalia grinned and started taking off her pajamas. James looked at the scar on her hip and remembered shooting through her as she protected her engineer from him. A pang of guilt shot through his heart.

"You look very broody. Nightmares again?" she asked as she stepped into the shower.

James nodded slowly. "But that's not really what's bothering me." he said, looking at her hip.

Natalia's eyes widened in shock. "Shit! It's freezing!

"Oh, sorry. I always take cold showers." He said in apology.

"It's ok it's just kind of shocking this early in the morning."

He touched the scar on her hip with his right thumb. She took his hand in hers and made him look her in the eye.

"It wasn't your fault." She whispered.

"No one forced me to pull the trigger."

"That's exactly -" Natalia started to shiver violently.

James opened his arms. "Come here."

He wrapped his arms around her and blocked as much of the water from hitting her as possible. She put her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. James put his nose in her red hair and breathed in the familiar scent. _I hope I never forget this. _Slowly she warmed up and her teeth stopped chattering enough for her to finish what she was saying.

"That's exactly what they want you to think. That you volunteered yourself for the work of Hydra. But we all know that isn't true. You were tortured and abused and you weren't yourself. You're working to fix your mistakes and one day I know you'll come to forgive yourself like everyone else has."

"I killed people that were once my friends."

"I know. That's something that you will carry and grieve about for the rest of your life."

James felt as if he wanted to die. The fact that he would have to carry crippling guilt for the rest of his life scared him so much that he didn't know how to handle it.

"I need you to help me forget."

Natalia reached up and put her arms around his neck and kissed him lightly on the lips.

"The negative emotions will numb slowly. The first step is to forgive yourself though."

"I don't think I can."

"If the roles were reversed, would you forgive me?"

"Of course I would." James thought for a moment. He remembered training her in the fifties and how extremely stubborn she could be. "But I know you. You don't forgive yourself for things that you've done. Aren't you being a bit hypocritical?"

"True. But I'm working to fix the things I did just as you are."

"Well, until we're both finished with what we're trying to do, why don't you forgive me for me, and I'll forgive you for you? That way we're both forgiven."

Natalia thought for a moment and then nodded. "Deal."

She turned around and pumped some conditioner into her hand. Then she put it in his hair and started massaging his scalp. She really knew how to make him feel better.

"They say using cold water keeps your hair from getting frizzy."

"Yes. I have to keep my gorgeous locks from becoming an afro somehow, you know."

"Very funny. Okay, let the conditioner stay in your hair for awhile and then wash it out and the rat's nest will be gone. I'm gonna go start some eggs and bacon."

With that Natalia got out of the shower and left James alone to think about self forgiveness.


End file.
